HOME SO SWEET; SUCH TORTURE

Tuesday, March 18, 2008


It has been so long since I've written, but it's for the best.  My head was in the clouds of suburbia and make believe, and everything that comes with the atmosphere is not reality.  It's so good, it hurts.  I completely understand that phrase, and I'm still trying to decide if I want to revisit that sweet and sour place.  


While at home, most of my time was spent enjoying my own company, and thinking about how I used to spend my time at home when I lived there.  So of course I thought a lot about Tom, and of course i am still talking to him.  I'll just cut to the chase, I spent a lot of time with Tom.  We lived a fairytale while we were both home, helplessly in love, no arguing, just a wonderfully fun time with the man I wish I could be with.  

But like I said, I was in clouds, blinding me from the reality check I'd get when I came back to the city.  Thankfully we didn't make any quick decision to get back together, because I would have regretted it the night I got back.

Now I'm in a new cloud.  A stress cloud.  It blocks out my ability to take the time to write my thoughts out.  Usually, this is very therapeutic for me.  Definitely up to par with  hot, steamy, hour long showers.  When I have so much to think about, I wish I had sticky notes in my head, instead of on my macbook pro.  The ones on my desktop work, but only when I'm looking at them.  I need to organize my brain, get my shit together, and just plow through the field.  

But I'm not as strong as I'd like to be, and if you're in Union Square, at the Barnes and Noble, and wander into the self help section, I'll probably be there.  I'll be searching for advice on how to stop melting away.  I'm melting into into a mush of myself, an oatmeal version.  Bland and squishy, and only good with some brown sugar.  Brown sugar meaning my friends, or my Tom, or my family. 

I'm not sure how this can relate to me right now, but this song seems to grab my soul, therefore played over and over on my iphone.  "So take me and save me..."
The Rocket Summer, "Never Knew"


Posted by Posted by chatty cathy & betty blogger at 4:53 PM
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MADNESS IN THE CITY

Saturday, March 8, 2008


When I first decided to have more fun in my life about a week ago, I did not honestly expect to have so many opportunities.  It's entirely possible these same opportunities were around before, and I just couldn't see them.  I have a feeling that my eyes haven't been open. 

I've been walking blind for about six months!

But then, there's part of me that feels like it was a gift from another worlds, being blind is possibly keeping me alive.  I have had so much fun this week, but at what cost?  Missed a class Wednesday due to a twenty four hour recovery from Tuesday night, spent a lot of money I don't have on my friend Mary's  twenty first birthday dinner and karaoke party, and my night last night could have aired as an episode of Law And Order: Special Victims Unit.  The only reason it can't air is because I am still alive, and unraped, thanks to luckiness I really didn't think I had.  Mostly thanks to the greatest friends in the world.

Remember the plans with James?  We made them for Friday night.  He brought two friends and my friend Mike came over.  My roommate Lara was also here with us, pre-gaming for the night ahead.  We were going to go to the Knitting Factory downtown to see a band called Zox, but none of us were into it when other plans arose.  James got word of a "Times Square apartment party held by a freshman student from his college."  I put this in quotes because none of us thought it was real.  

We were proved wrong when we walked into a million dollar apartment packed with college students with glow necklaces and bracelets on.  The views from the twenty fourth floor were amazing, especially since half of the walls were made up of windows.  It was straight out of Gossip Girl, or another one of those television shows with attractive rich kids and crazy parties.  We paid $10.oo at the door, and there was an endless supply of alcohol in a makeshift bar that was the kitchen of the apartment.  

My head is just spinning as I think about it, and try to make this party sound as amazing as it was.  I'm not sure that is possible.  

I'm going to try to put the rest in a nutshell.  Mike got too drunk, and for some unknown reason left without me.  I caught up with him, and started heading back.  Before getting on the subway at Port Authority, we stopping in the bathrooms.  This is where it gets bad.  Mike never came out.  He also was holding my cell phone for me.  I was drunk, in a halter top and heels, by myself with no way to call anyone.  

I've never felt so alone and vulnerable in my life.  People looking at me like I was a drunk prostitute, being completely disoriented, worrying about my lost friend, and coming up with a plan for myself.  

Trying to hold in how hysterical I felt, I headed back to the party for my coat and my other friends.  We got my coat and a cab with me still very shaken up.  After getting back safely my roommate Lara took care of me and called Mike.  He was almost back to my apartment, but couldn't tell us exactly what had happened, he only mentioned almost getting mugged and a nice couple helping him get home on the subway.  

I'm still drunk.  It is now almost twelve in the afternoon, and I woke up wide awake at nine.  I feel so dizzy.  I will finish this later, but not without saying
I have the greatest friends in the world and would not be alive without them.  
I have never been able to say that before, but I officially can.  The biggest thank you in the world goes out to James, his two friends, and Lara.  Mike, thank you too for having the sense to come back to my apartment after what had happened.

I don't think I'm the girl for him, but Mike is definitely "my Brandy Alexander, always gets me into trouble," and I'm his.  This song always makes me think of him.

Brandy Alexander, by Fiest

Posted by Posted by chatty cathy & betty blogger at 7:30 AM
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A WALK [TO TRY] TO REMEMBER

Wednesday, March 5, 2008


Last night was a roller coaster.  I felt like I was waiting in line for eternity, as the slowest day of my life went by.  After getting all sexy, and making my friend Mike wait an hour, we hit the city streets.  Only halfway to the liqueur store, I unfortunately became aware that my vodka purchase would leave me practically broke.  As a student going to a school with no meal plan in NYC, there is a lot of money going out, and at the moment, none coming in.  

My bankruptcy would not ruin my night!  I was more excited than a child with a sweet tooth in a candy shop.  Well actually, in the liqueur store, that describes me very well.  Mike and I discovered this diamond in the ruff a couple weeks ago.  A diamond because neither of us are of legal age to purchase, and it makes our lives so much easier when there are foreigners eager to serve the extremely large market of underage college students.  

After the subway ride to the upper east side and a couple blocks of walking, we made it to heaven.  My friend Claire has the most beautiful two bedroom apartment with lots of space, food, wine and beer.  Mike and I have a small tradition to start off a night of drinking.  Two shots, back to back, and then a mixed drink.  After that we're on cloud nine, living life, feeling the beat of the music and letting ourselves move to it.  The people that go to Claire's are all lushes, including myself.  This is extremely dangerous for a couple reasons, we all become more intoxicated than we even know, we have to make it home at the end of the night, and then there's those damn emotions.  

The roller coaster ride went spiraling down when Tom texted me to tell me he'd thrown out everything that has to do with me.  After my roller coaster jumped the tracks and crashed to the ground, I somehow woke up from the emotional nightmare, and thanks to Mike, I walked it off.

I realized I needed some fresh air to recover, so we ventured out into the night.  Free therapy had never been so helpful that night.  So helpful, that after talking for ten minutes, it seemed like I'd left my problems at Claire's.  Mike needed the therapy too, for other reasons, and I took it into my own hands to help him feel more comfortable with himself.  I'm not sure we'll ever repeat the escapade, but I hope so!  I met him the first week I moved to the city, and we've been the best of friends since.  So after an hour and a half of walking and talking, we made it to our destinations, and said our goodbye's.  

Full of life, full of fun, and definitely the best way to start my week.  

'Music Is My Hot Hot Sex' by Cansei De Ser Sexy.  
The sexy, upbeat, techno, Brazilian pop song is how I felt the whole night. 


Posted by Posted by chatty cathy & betty blogger at 5:41 PM
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ONE CAN ONLY HOPE

Monday, March 3, 2008


After completing my last entry, I felt as I clicked "publish post" the gun was fired, and I was on something similar to The Amazing Race.  My heart was beating fast, juiced with excitement, knowing the beautiful mystery of my life was ahead, I had a dream of a surprising affair with a long time friend James, whom I had never been attracted to, never mind had feelings for.  He was amazing in bed, the warm touch of his body against mine lit a fire so powerful and aggressive.  My adrenaline pumped so fast, I had energy and strength and uncontrollable desire to fulfill my every need.  


Unfortunately, this pleasing scenario ended as my alarm reminded me that it was now time to join the real world.  I was now ready to make my dream a reality, and promptly made plans with my friend for later on this week.  Will it happen?  Probably not, but I haven't seen him in a while, so we're past due to hang out.

My day was not as exciting as the Amazing Race, much to my dismay.  It became very similar to every other day I'd had before.  Some small talk with Tom via texting while I was in class.  Dealing with Tom's strange, bipolar-like behavior, as I somehow became his enemy, then love of his life again, all in one day, also via text messaging.  My plans to go mingle with a friend at a Brooklyn bar were foiled by schoolwork that had been left to the last minute.  Just a 'Blah' kind of day.  

I have high hopes for tomorrow.  Not only because I will be going to a party on the upper east side, but also because the possibility of James showing up still looms in the air.  I love surprises!

I'll share a little song that Tom shared with me today.  It was his 'no words' apology for telling me to "fuck myself" and "get help", both very un-warranted statements.  Do I accept an apology that is unsaid, just translated through lyrics? No, but I thank him for introducing me to a nice sounding song with beautiful lyrics, and showing me that he is definitely more pathetic than I have ever been.  

"Warning Signs" by Coldplay

Posted by Posted by chatty cathy & betty blogger at 11:11 PM
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THE BIG RECAP

Sunday, March 2, 2008


Let me just summarize the past year of my life for you.


Lets begin in December 2006. I met a man, let's call him Tom.  With spring blossomed an unexpected love, the first of its kind in my small short-lived life.  By summer Tom and I practically lived together.  Sure, that is complete exaggeration, but two people should really not have spent as much time together as we did so early in our relationship.  The dependency would soon hurt us.  

The autumn winds blew me from my small conservative New England town to the city that never sleeps.  This change in my life had been long anticipated, and as much as I looked forward to it, there was a big, strong, loving hand holding my heart.  Tom took it with him to his new residence, which was located just far enough from home that he could feel like he was doing something with his life.

The wind blew hard, the leaves turned brown, and the sweet turned sour.

I always believed our feelings were strong enough to keep us together.  However the more he suspected me of things I'd not done, the more suspicious I became of him. I knew enough about his past to know there were now temptations all around him and he would not have the control to resist.

My heart was broken, one month ago to be exact.  What I've learned so far, is that the only type of feeling holding us together now was our feeling of dependency.  The sad and pathetic feeling that he is the only person I'll ever be able to love.   Tonight I learned he felt the same way, but also learned he quickly moved onto a hopeful replacement.  A more convenient girl.

I try to forget the fact that she resembles me.  I want to concentrate on the confession he made to me today.  That while he enjoys her company, & in my speculation he's most likely receiving decent pleasure from her, it will "never work" because he "always thinks about me while he's with her."  

So now what?
Continue to helplessly hold onto feelings for someone who is so needy he finds a replacement within weeks of our breakup, but at the same time still loves me so much he cannot bear to live without me.  Should I hold on to our relationship, knowing I will be in the big city for three more years, while he's fucking the next best thing.
Deffinetly not.

I'd like to thank the mighty forces above that I am not that pathetic... but mainly thank my friends and my family for talking enough sense into my sorrowful self.


So here begins, with this blog, my life in NYC.
..Because let's be real,
while I was tied down to a townie,
i did not live as adventurous any new yorker should.

My goals: to completely emerge from my shell by meeting new people, trying new things, and having the best time of my life, in the best city in the country.


wish me luck!

My song of the moment:
Mr. Blue Sky by ELO


Posted by Posted by chatty cathy & betty blogger at 8:26 PM
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FREE THERAPY

It is my belief that EVERYBODY needs a little bit of therapy.


& if you disagree,
you need a little more
to get over your denial.

My very very good friend and I have "free therapy" together.  We sit and talk and let each other go on and on about the problems in our lives.  Whether we have advice, or just say "man, that sucks" we feel like why pay for therapy when you have good friends?


Posted by Posted by chatty cathy & betty blogger at 7:55 PM
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